Walking Through the Journey of Sadness

As you know from my last post, I am walking through the deepest valley of sadness I have ever been through. For almost two decades I have done some sort of ‘healing through writing,’ whether it was in a journal or to the person that was involved in the sadness. I have never written, nor shared my most intimate thoughts and feelings before in this type of venue, and I am witnessing the mind having a heyday with the thought of sharing this part of myself so publically. There is fear about exposing myself, showing my ‘human’ side in such a public fashion. But since there is fear, I am choosing to walk through the fear; I will write and share. Who knows what this will do.

I fucking hated it that I had to make a ‘mature’ decision like the one I just had to make. Sure, I had made the decision many times in the past when the animal was sick and dying already. FUCK…I have even made the decision to help a human do the same thing; but I have never had to do it because of some future, possible event, that may or may not happen. I could not bear the idea of Cole flipping into one of those moods and hurting a child or anyone for that matter. Here I sit, and teach people about being in the now, but yet I still had to make some fucking decision about some future event that may never happen. But it could, and I could not stand thinking about the potential.

I looked into Cole’s eyes and there was such innocence. He had no idea what had just happened, nor the events that would follow. He was in his now; there was such a totality. I apologized to him for what I was about to do, and the innocence in his eyes never changed. I sobbed, and can’t seem to stop.

Even the shit that I know as truth like ‘there is no death’ is not helping me right now.

If someone were to tell me ‘you don’t have to participate with the thoughts; you could just observe them,’ I would tell them to kiss my fucking ass! This hurts!!!!! Everywhere I go, there is a memory that floods me about Cole being there. He followed me everywhere. If the door was shut, he would take his big ole block head and butt the door open, he had to see what papa was doing. He was my shadow.

He taught me so much awareness that he definitely ranks as one of my teachers. He was the original “50 first dates.” Cole and his antics were used to support many life coaching tools and techniques. Even how he came into my life would support a random story about ‘how life always supports life.’ I guess even now, that still rings true. He taught us so much that if I wanted to, I could even write about “The Tao of Cole!”

Then in a flash comes that sinking feeling of sadness, it just washes over me again. There is such sadness that I feel it, not only emotionally, but also physically. I wrenched my neck really badly as I was breaking up the fight. My neck hurts like a son of a bitch, but then when the sadness washes over me, and the shoulders even sink lower, the pain increases. My whole body hurts with this sadness.

I hear the mind say shit like, “I will NEVER get another dog!” I know that is bullshit as soon as I hear it. So then I hear the next thought that says, “Well, if you get another dog, you will have him neutered immediately. It’s that fucking male testosterone that causes that aggression.” I hear the mind attempting to say and do anything; one thought trying to be more important than the last. The body feels so tired, and so heavy, all I want to do is sleep. I have to stop for today.

• Listening & Understanding the Language of the Soul I have spent this week writing about the Language of the Soul, hoping to bring awareness to you that it is not only possible and real, but that it is...
• Doom And Gloom Have you read the headlines recently? It is a bunch of doom and gloom; the economy is in the toilet, your future is in question, the things that you were...
• Finding Balance During The Holidays The holiday season can be the most wonderful time of the year with all the festivities, gifts, parties, and general merriment. It can also be extremely hectic, busy, overwhelming, and...

• Some other Bloggers You May Enjoy It's not a big secret that promoting others is a...
• Christmas Novena (1) (Novenas are prayed once a day for nine days) Opening...
• P.E.P. for Week of January 31- February 4/11- Superbowl Edition Well, it's here, the final countdown to the big day...