Presidential Candidate: Nirish for President!

I woke up this morning, and before I rolled out of bed for my first cup of coffee, I asked myself, “What would I like to do today?” And the answer was clear: “I would like to run for president,” I heard myself think. I watched The Donald on Good Morning America yesterday and realized if anyone so freaking full of hot air could be taken seriously as a potential candidate, I can be too.
I chose you to be the first to hear the news of my intended presidential run. Some of you who know me may question whether I am qualified to be president. Well, let me assure you, I was born and raised right here in God’s Country: Hiawassee, Georgia, United States of America. No “birther” concerns here. I am bona fide American. American by birth, Southern by the grace of God. I graduated from a fine state university with a BullShit degree in Psychology. Currently, I work for the state. And I was president of the Baptist Student Union in college. That should settle any doubts about my qualifications to be president of the U.S.
I’m sure you’d like to hear where I stand on the issues. Well, you’ll be the first to know when I decide. Here’s a few things I know I plan to center my campaign around:
Tax reform: No income tax, just a national sales tax. No sales tax on groceries or medications, but an extra tax on gas guzzling cars and those enormous 4-wheel drive baby strollers (I just don’t like them.)
Gay marriage: Personally, I am against it. Why co-op such a failed heterosexual institution? But as president, I would support anyone’s right to marry, regardless of their orientation or how out-dated and unsupportive the whole concept of marriage is.
Marijuana Legalization: I’m all for it. Make it legal and tax the shit out of it. Quit paying farmers to grow corn and let them grow a crop that will actually make them a good living without subsidies. “Don’t harsh my mellow” will become an official national slogan
Healthcare: First, I’d set up a national meditation institute. Then I’d put Vedam in charge of teaching the nation to meditate. We’d all be a lot healthier and need a lot less medical care and drugs if we all meditated regularly.
Foreign Policy: My foreign policy would be based on this one simple concept. There are three kinds of business: my business, your business, and God’s business. If it’s not America’s business, then we would mind our own business.
The War on Terror: To quote the future First Partner, Vedam, fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. Instead of spending gazillions of dollars on the military, I’d spend about a half a gazillion on having Peace Players all around the world. The details of this transition are still being worked out by the voices in my head, but I know that one of their primary functions would be to go around the world hugging people. I think a lot of wars get started because people just don’t get enough hugs.
Immigration: My ancestors were immigrants; so were the ancestors of most of you reading this. Let them in, and help them become productive members of society rather than futilely trying to keep them out. I think we should welcome those trying to make a better life for themselves and their families. I bet Jesus agrees.
Energy/environment: I call my energy policy “Goat Power.” Goats are amazing animals. They will eat almost anything and make wonderful natural weed eaters. And their poo comes out in neat little round pellets that can be easily collected and then used to make methane. I would also further investigate bio-diesel. We Americans love our fried foods and we have tons of used vegetable oil. I’d find a way to give everyone an incentive to trade in their SUVs and buy an old diesel Mercedes, and convert it to biodiesel. Then I’d put pumps in the drive-thru’s at every McDonalds. Combo meals would include fries and a fill-up.
Now, the subject of the size of government has been a hot topic. I’m here to take a very clear stand, knowing that some of you may not like it, but hear me out. I am for small government. WAY small government. (Yeah, tea partiers, I got your back on this one.) My first item of business, cut the pay of federally elected officials. We have a minimum wage in this country. Apparently, that is the minimum amount of money one needs to live on. Being an elected official should not be seen as a way to line one’s own pockets, but rather a way to serve this wonderful country. At the same time, those who choose to serve our country in this way do have to live and most are supporting a family. Give federally elected officials a minimum wage salary and a Medicaid card. It won’t solve the debt issue, but it’s a start.
When it comes to government, I am a bit of an anarchist; a “love anarchist” if you will, not a violent one. I say we look at every government program, department, and budget. If it’s not based in love, spreading love, and focused on loving action, eliminate it.
I am also the child of parents who grew up during the depression. They have taught me a lot about money and credit. The main lesson was “If you can’t pay for it, don’t buy it.” That’d be my fiscal policy.
Finally, I’d reduce government bureaucracy by eliminating zillions of pages of regulations and policies with one very simple but effective policy: In all things, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Okay folks, you heard it hear first. Nirish for President! I’m not a Republican and not a Democrat…I’m Nirish (which happens to mean “freedom” Cool, huh?) Jump on the freedom train now! Endorsements and PayPal donations currently being accepted! You can also support Nirish for President by “liking” my facebook page.
Love, Live and Laugh,
Nirish

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