Grieving Is A Process

The dictionary defines grief as an intense sorrow, or the cause of intense, deep, and profound sorrow.

I know what the dictionary is saying, but from my perspective, grief is not the cause of intense or profound sorrow, but rather the effect that comes with the sorrow. Grieving is something that we go through because of the loss of something special in our lives, and it is very much a process and a journey to walk through.

As many of you know, Nirish and I lost our son, Cole this past week. Even though in the past I have lost very special people and pets in my life, from the mind’s perspective, this has been quite different. Cole was not old, he was not sick, and he had not been going through any health problems; there was no preliminary part of the journey. It appears that all of a sudden you are plopped down in the middle of something, and you have to go through it, whether you want to or not. The only thing that I can imagine this to be like is when someone is suddenly removed from your life because of a sudden death, some type of accident, or something like that, and that I have never experienced before. But the part that I do want to point out is that no matter what the situation is, grieving is a process and a journey. Once it has begun, it is not something you can avoid, go over, or go around; you must go through it, if you ever want to have some semblance of normalcy return to your life!

I can say that the two things that have helped and supported me through the process are: 1) The willingness and the allowance to feel the feelings, to give expression to those feelings, and 2) a great support system that did not try to take my pain away, but yet was supportive along the way.

I believe that the first part of this equation is the most important process; after all, it has happened to you, and you have to be the one willing to walk through it. Yes, having support from others is an amazing and a great thing, but they cannot do it for you. Again, you have to walk through it!

Whenever there is a loss, grief is a natural process to go through. Also, having the understanding that beyond the natural grief that comes with the loss, the mind is also going to affect how you feel physically. When the mind shifts, the feelings shift. Even though the last sentence is very true, you cannot attempt to force a new set of thoughts to avoid the emotional pain that has naturally arisen. The changing of the mind and where it places its focus occurs naturally; therefore naturally the feelings will change also. The mind does focus on other things eventually. You cannot avoid the feelings that do not ‘feel good.’ All feelings are sacred, none being more sacred than another. When you attempt to avoid any feeling, you alter the ability to feel any feeling. You can attempt to push down the feeling and not feel it, but it will have some effect on you over time. That effect could play out over time as depression or illness; besides, it alters your ability to experience such things as peace or serenity.

Please begin to today, if you have not already begun the process of allowing yourself to feel, no matter what the ‘feeling feels like!’ Feelings are a gift that measures or tells you how you are in relation to something else, and life is a game of relationships. As I mentioned in other posts, the sadness that I experienced this week was in direct relation to the great joy that I had experienced in my relationship with Cole. Also, I mentioned that for a period this week I chose to diminish the pain with Xanax and muscle relaxers, and it was in a few short days that I had realized that I was only slowing down the inevitable.

Feelings are a gift that comes with the experience of having a body and living a life. So live your life to the fullest, don’t hold back! As the tag line for our blog states: Love unconditionally, live authentically, and laugh uncontrollably. Crying, sobbing, mourning and grieving are part of all of those three things. Existence is sharing itself with you, so share yourself with all of existence.

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