So Much To Do: Finding Balance In The Holidays Part 2: Family Dynamics

In my last post, I began discussing finding and/or maintaining balance through the holiday season. Often, it is not easy to maintain balance, and without the intention to maintain balance, or having Awareness around the issue of balance, it is easy to spin completely out of control. It is my intention with these posts to support you to have balance during this time of year.

In my last post, I discussed the balance of Spirituality, and balancing financial situations. Now, I think the next big subject to discuss about balance and the holiday season is family dynamics!

Family

Maintaining your own balance around family can be quite difficult, but especially this time of year. In a perfect world, being around your family should/could be a wonderful experience, but in many cases, it is not! I know for myself, as a teenager, being around my family during the holidays was the last thing that I wanted. There was way too much drama, way too many bad memories, other than my relationship with my Mom. She was the only person that I wanted to see or be around. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer right after I graduated from high school. There were a few years before her death when everyone was on their best behavior, and they lived in the ‘preciousness of life;’ it was actually quite pleasant for a couple of years. She passed away when I was in my early 20‘s. It wasn’t long before the old family dynamic came to the forefront, and the sadness relating to her passing made the holidays unbearable. I soon realized that I did not have to subject myself to the family drama, and I realized that my ‘family of choice’ was where I wanted to be during the holidays. Therefore I know first hand that family is not always the most pleasurable thing to be around. Now that I am on the other side of it, have evolved into Awareness, and have come to understand the family dynamics, I can share what I have found.

It has been said that family dynamics can be the greatest source of ‘pain body’ a person can experience in a lifetime. We are often very different; different mind-sets, different spiritual beliefs, different preferences, different as night and day. In many situations, if you were to meet your family on the street or at a party, you wouldn’t even like them. In some situations, you can take family dynamics in small doses. You cannot handle the drama, the power and control games, the passive/aggressive bullshit, etc. Then there are the those that really enjoy their families, or they enjoy parts of the family. Family dynamics can be the greatest source of love, or they can be the greatest promptings to move beyond the family and your conditionings. It is really easy to judge them, and it is really easy to get into judgment about yourself relating to them. So what I am about to say encompasses family dynamics all year long, not only during the holidays, but they are very applicable especially during the holiday season.

The mind naturally forces a dead past onto the present moment. In other words, the memories of the past will often bring up the same emotions and feelings as the time that the situation took place originally. And, if you have not done any Awareness work, the memories will often exacerbate the present moment. That being said, Awareness work is the key that unlocks the prison door of the past and allows you to be present to this moment. Awareness work allows you to be in the moment and it also allows the past to stay in the past. Awareness work allows you to understand how the mind works, and begin to realize that the past is the past, and begin to answer the call of the present moment. After all, it is a choice to engage in the past memories, but without the Awareness work, it seems as if the past forces itself into the present moment. It is a choice to remain in the past, and to be enslaved by your past. It is a choice to not move beyond what has been, and to not be present in the situation at hand. It is also about having the awareness that people are going to be people. It is about having the awareness that you cannot change people, so you just as well give up trying. All you can do is be true to yourself, and make the changes in yourself to be all that you choose to be… family dynamics or not! It is about acceptance; accepting them for who and what they are, and accepting yourself for who and what you are. Sometimes, it is even about accepting their non-acceptance of you!

Family dynamics can seem to be an odd beast. But, I know for a fact that moving beyond the family dynamics can be the most liberating thing you can do for yourself. I know for a fact that moving beyond that family drama can free you to experience a new way of looking at life, and being with life. If you allow it to be, family drama can show you things such as patience, understanding, acceptance, and self love. Moving beyond family drama can show you what lies beneath your conditionings. Moving beyond family drama can show you what you are made of, and it can be used to help you through other situations in your life as well. The mind is naturally based upon a power and control game, and dealing with, or moving beyond the family drama, can show you how to live beyond the mind’s power and control games. But, it takes intention to be more than you were shown; it takes intention and actions that support those intentions. It takes practice. It takes awareness and Awareness. I have found that doing/being those things all year long can and will support throughout the year, and especially during holiday family time.

So Often We Attempt To Change The Family

Many people think that all of their problems are a result of their family. In many situations, you think that if your family would change, you could be different. Trying to change your family is futile; the only thing you can change is you, your perspectives, your opinions and viewpoints, and how you respond to your family, and the family dynamics. In many situations, responding differently is all you can do.

Your family does or says something that triggers something from the past for you. Because of how the mind works, it is very natural and easy to flip right back into the the old way of being, and before you know it, things are off and running. At some point, something has to change, and your response to the present situation, and your old memories, are all you can change. When something like this happens, remember to pause and breath; take as long as you need to come up with a response that is going to support your new way of being. Stop trying to change your family and put that effort and energy towards changing and being the you that you want to be.

And last but not least, do not ask your family to do/be something that you are not willing to be yourself!

Being With Your Family During The Holidays

Allow me to say, right here, right now; there is no law that states you have to be with your family during the holidays. Often and in many situations, family of choice can be even more rewarding, more loving, and more supportive than your family of origin. No one, other than your family, and possibly your own mind, says you have to be with your family during the holidays. However, in relation to this, if you are avoiding something about yourself, relating to your family, the Universe has a way of bringing that up for you, even if you are not around your family. I have found that if you ‘deal with yourself, and your family dynamics’ with your own family, it is often more profound, more enlightening, and it has a ‘trickle effect’ into other areas of your life. So there are a few tricks that will help you mature, relating to family dynamics.

Learn how the mind functions. Understand that the mind works from either the past or the future. Understand that the mind works from a power and control game, and it is a choice to participate or not. Let the past be the past and the present be the present. And, remember, you are not the mind; you are much more than that!
Be authentic and true to yourself, the self you wish to see, and each moment.
Practice observing the mind and participate with it when you choose to. Learn to use the mind rather than being used by the mind.
Acceptance will support you in any, and every situation.
Start off being centered and in balance. This one is a big one! I see more people trying to get centered once they have been knocked off balance. It is easier to STAY centered than it is to try to GET centered during an uneasy situation.
Remember, it takes two to tango; it takes two to fight, it take two to argue!
Don’t start off with expectations. My motto: “expect nothing, be prepared for anything!”
‘Timing’ is everything. Know when to come and know when to go.
Don’t take anything seriously!
Self nurturance is self love.
Remember to take full advantage of the pauses. Breathe and pause before your respond.
Set some intentions for yourself, and MAKE SURE YOUR ACTIONS SUPPORT YOUR INTENTIONS, but make sure that your intentions are about you and your actions, not about your family.
Practice being in the moment.

14. What someone thinks of you in none of your business.

15. Nothing has any meaning except for the meaning YOU give it.

16. Remember, your family is also a product of their conditionings, and old habits die hard.

17. Instead of trying to change your family, put the effort towards being the you that you wish to see.

These 17 points are relatively vague purposefully. You have figure out what each one means for yourself, relating to your family dynamics. Keep these in the forefront of your mind, and begin to use your mind rather than being used by your mind.

Start Each Day With A Meditation!

As I said in part 1, starting your day off with a meditation is the best thing that you can do for you. This coincides with #5, in this post. Start off being centered and balanced… it is much easier to stay centered than it is to try to get centered. If privacy is an issue, do your meditation even before you get out of bed. Begin your meditation right after you wake up. Taking 5-15 minutes to align in your centered-ness will support you beyond measure, and remember to take some ‘mini-meditation’ breaks throughout your day!

I certainly hope this helps! Do more than just read this; put it into practice. You may want to print this out, and take it with you as you begin your family, holiday trip, and refer to it often.

As I close this post, I want to make some things very clear. I am not saying that family dynamic is bad. I am not saying that all family drama is negative. I am not saying that there aren’t many families out there that do love each other deeply, support each other greatly, and enjoy being together. I just want to help those of you that do have hard family dramas, and help you to be peaceful together. I want those that have had family drama in the past to not set themselves up to EXPECT to have it again this year. I want to help you to add new ingredients to the family mix so that it can be more pleasant. And last but not least, please do not hold back in showing them how you feel or expressing that to them; they or you may be gone in an instant! Tell your family how much you love them, tell them how you appreciate them, and tell them how grateful you are for them.

Happy Holidays, Much Love, and Namaste…

Show Your Support

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