Effective Communication: Communication Is A Key To Intimacy As A Couple

The dynamics have changed so dramatically between Nirish and I since we have been together that if I were to take the time to explain it, it would be a very long post, and that is not the purpose of this post. The purpose is to talk about the type of communication, the dialoguing that has taken place between us since the beginning of our relationship. I know that is what has made us so strong is our ability to communicate and share so openly with each other, and I would like to share that with you in hope that you could implement it in your relationship.
Almost everyday (and sometimes more when things were off kilter), we would have what we call a ‘check-in.’ A check-in was our version of intimate sharing. We would sit down together, with no distractions, and we would share ourselves; how our day was going and how we were in relation to it. Even though we would share generalities about the day, we would go deeper than that. We would share not only how the day was, but also how we felt about it while it was happening and how we felt about it as we were sharing (if the feelings had changed.)
We made an intentional promise to each other that if one of us was afraid to talk about something, that would be the very thing we would talk about. We did set up some ‘ground rules’ about the promise also. We decided that the person who was afraid would let the other one know from the beginning that there was fear. The person that was on the listening end would then KNOW that the subject matter (no matter what it was or who it was about) was difficult to talk about, and the listener was then truly listening and would then listen with a compassionate and empathetic ear. No matter what the subject was, the listener did not interrupt until the sharer was finished. Once, it was finished, the listener would then ‘mirror back’ to the sharer. That means that the listener would then share in his own words what he heard from the sharer, without any additions about what the listener thought while he was listening. When the listener was complete in ‘mirroring back,‘ the listener would then ask, “Is that correct?” If it was, the listener would then ask, “Is there more?” If there was more, the sharer would then continue until there was no more to share. If it was not correct, the sharer would re-tell it so the listener was very certain on what they were hearing.
Once the sharer had completely shared and the sharer was certain that they had been heard, then and only then would the listener share their insight on what they had heard. The listener shared their thoughts on what they had heard, but the listener shared with compassion and empathy, not defense or ‘fix it.’
We did this type of sharing with each other faithfully. Sometimes the subject matter was difficult to hear, but we also realized it was difficult to talk about. Our idea behind this was that it was more important for the sharer to be able to share, and not let things build up. It set the stage, and a strong foundation between us, where we both knew that no matter what, we could share ANYTHING with each other. The foundation was a foundation of caring, nurturance, empathy and awareness.
You see, we knew how the mind functions, we also knew that we were not the mind, but we allowed the mind to express itself no matter how large, how small, or how logical or illogical it was. We did not want things to build up around us. We wanted a clear playing field to play on.
This type of sharing was not extremely natural for either of us, as neither one of us were conditioned in this manner. However, once the intention was set, we made sure that our actions supported the intention, and it wasn’t long before it did become natural.
So what was our global intention for doing this? It was to honor each as an individual first, and then honor the couple in its relatedness secondly. We knew that unconsciousness would want more unconsciousness to come out and play with it, and we also knew that consciousness would be the only remedy to neutralize the unconsciousness. We knew that we wanted our relatedness to be based upon consciousness rather than unconsciousness!
We do not do this as frequently anymore, but we still do it periodically, as things arise. We did this for the first five years of being together. We did it long enough to know that a strong foundation had been laid.
Our relationship was important to us. Neither one of us believe in commitment for the future (the way most people want commitments and promises from their partner); however, we did believe in each as an individual and collectively as a couple. We wanted more of a commitment to our authenticity and the Now. We wanted a relatedness that would allow each individual to grow, flourish and blossom as an individual; which would support our relationship to grow, flourish and blossom as a couple.
I hope this idea helps. Either one of us would be happy to talk to you about this if you have any questions at all; just contact us.
much love and much peace,
V & N

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