The Circle of Life Continues…

I sat down this morning, after being awakened at 4:00 a.m. by the new and always hungry kittens that showed up in our lives last Friday. The now full-bellied kittens are sound asleep in my lap, and not making it easy to type, but I am typing around them just the same. I absolutely do not know what in the world I am going to write about because I do not have a sense of being inspirational at all. All I feel inside is sadness, deep, gut wrenching sadness. My eyes are swollen, my sinuses are a mess, and my belly is upset, all because of what happened on Monday. You see, I had to euthanize my almost 5 year old son, our lab, Cole.

I have had to euthanize a few pets over the years. Blessed be, most of my pets had fell into the long sleep all on their own, but yes, I was familiar with euthanasia. I was familiar with it because they were old, sick or in pain, and I had to help them in their journey that would reunite them with Source. I have never had to do it because of the situation that had arisen progressively over the last 2 years. It seemed that nurturing did not over-ride nature.

Cole was an adorable, cuddly, and very awkward puppy. He had been dropped in the bushes near the home of my teacher and his wife. We laughed, saying to ourselves that whoever had dropped him there probably thought “those crazy old people on the hill will take care of him.”

Isa and Malika called me immediately to see if I wanted to take him and give him a home, as they were already full with as many mouths as they could feed at one time. We had already planned to go up there that coming weekend anyway. We told them that we would bring Leo with us, and we would let Leo decide for us. The moment Leo and Cole met, they became fast friends. They were, in that moment, the same exact size. Leo was older; he was full grown, so he took the role of dominant one.

Needless to say, it wasn’t long before Cole began to get much bigger, but Leo still held the dominate role. Cole loved his little, big brother. But like all puppies, Cole was rather irritating to his little big brother, and Cole honored the discipline that Leo dished out.

Time went on and Cole grew to be 80 lbs. bigger than his “big” brother, Leo. Eventually, Cole got tired of being pushed around and loving would put Leo in his place, until one day a full-on fight broke out. Luckily we were there and broke it up immediately. Over a year passed and it seemed that Cole remembered his punishment and life continued in its status quo.

This past Christmas day, as we were all playing in the snow, Leo began to bully Cole once again and a fight broke out. This time, as Nirish and I jumped into the fight to break it up, Cole attacked me. It was as if something inside of him, some part of his nature had broken out and came to the forefront.

It was strange to say the least, because 99.9% of the time, Cole obnoxiously loved. He obeyed, he paid attention. The worst thing you could say about him, if he was a child of most parents, they would have put him on Ritalin or something like that because he was soooooooo ADHD.

This past Monday, a fight broke out between Leo and Cole, and as we broke it up, Cole attacked me again. This time, we had to rush Leo to the vet because a tooth punctured his eye. We talked to the vet, and a few other people about Cole and his sporadic aggression, and what they thought we should do. The consensus was that if there was something in his nature that brought this about, we would either have to be on-guard constantly with Cole and take our chances, or put him down. It was a chance that I was not willing to take. You see, we have small children around, not to mention a healthy, but yet too old to have to deal with a dog fight, mother.

As always, Life gives us choices. Sometimes the choices are not easy ones to make, but you have to make them. Yes, we could have found Cole another home, but in my heart of hearts, I was not willing to risk him hurting someone or something else. So, at 5:00 p.m. on Monday afternoon, through lots of prayers and support from all of my angels, guides, and sentient beings, we ushered Cole to be reunited with Source.

I have spent most of the time crying, wailing and missing my black son. I have slept because of the overwhelming sadness that had appeared to set up camp in my body. After not being able to sleep anymore, the kittens awakened me at 4:00 a.m. to be fed. I gave them both a bottle and a half, and now they are sound asleep in my lap, even as I type. Even in the sadness, I find myself smiling at them; I find myself soaking up the love that they are pouring into me. The sadness is still there, but so is the love that I feel as I hear and feel them purring, sound asleep in my lap.

I miss my son terribly. He followed me everywhere I went, almost to the point of getting in the way some of the time. I now would give anything to have him in my way right now. I would give anything to have him nuzzle my hand as I am typing. Often, as I would sit and type, he would think he was not getting enough attention, and he would push my hands off of the keyboard, so that I would pet him. Other times, when that did not work, he would just settle and lie his head on my lap, and would let me type.

I don’t know when this sadness is going to be gone; I just have to ride this one out, but I do see joy peaking around the corner at me. I love to feel and hear the purr of these two precious kittens in lap. My physical wounds will heal, and we will find out if Leo will actually lose his eye next week when we take him to the vet. I still don’t truly understand the nurture versus nature concepts, but in this moment, with the help of these two kittens (which are now playing in my lap, and making it very hard to type) all is well. Cole, you will always be my best friend, nothing will ever replace you. I am so sorry that nurturing did not outweigh nature.

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