Advice Column: My Boyfriend Is A Flirt. “The Enlightened You”

Question:
My boyfriend seems to attract other women no matter where he goes. He grew up in a family full of women, so it makes sense that he’d just be more comfortable with getting close to women than men, and I’d like to think that I’m okay with that. This attention isn’t necessarily “bad” or “inappropriate”, and there isn’t anything going on sexually between him and these women. I feel more as if he’s having some kind of emotional affair with them. I hope that makes sense… Sometimes I feel as if I’m not enough woman for him, and that him creating all of these close knit relationships with women is just his attempt in finding some quality that I don’t have.
When we first started dating, he was very flirtatious with his friends that were girls, and I had a hard time with this. However, we were both immature then, and have since both grown into more truthful and wiser human beings, so it isn’t as dramatic nor as painful nowadays. He admitted that a lot of the flirting was him attempting to fill his ego. It was a way of making himself feel wanted and attractive, and I completely understand, because I’ve done that many many times. But even now there’s this very subtle flirting and intimacy between him and other girls that I just can’t seem to get used to. When I talk to him about it now, he just can’t understand why these relationships would bother me.
It’s almost as if there’s a girl consistently every 3 months or so. He meets some new girl (who’s always gorgeous by the way) that he’ll go on and on about (“she’s just so different,” “the other day she told me the greatest joke ever,” “she’s really pretty, isn’t she?”…), and I usually just agree, because most of the time, these girls ARE great and pretty and funny, etc. But he ends up being VERY close with these girls, texting them constantly, emailing them, meeting for coffee, etc., and no matter how hard I try to resist, I end up feeling like I’m not enough. There’s even been times where we’re at a party or a bar and I won’t see him for hours, and then I later end up finding him having this deep conversation with “one of his girls”. I trust him in that I know he’d never physically cheat on me, but I think we all can agree that the physical is just one aspect of who we are, and that there are other, even in some ways more intimate ways to be close with a person.
We’ve talked about this so many times I’ve lost count. We’ve tried to hash it out and get right to the core of my jealous feelings, as well as his flirtatious nature, but we never seem to solve anything. We usually end up both agreeing that I need to gain more confidence in myself and our relationship, and possibly even find some more friends of the opposite sex– if I do those things, everything will work out. Easier said then done… He does feel bad that I’m struggling with this, and has offered to just let go of the intimacy in these relationships he has, but I always reject that offer. I don’t ever want to try and dictate who he hangs out with, and how close he is allowed to be with this person or that person. That’s not my style, and I don’t think that’s a healthy way to go about this problem.
I’m beginning to feel as if I either need to accept him and his intimate relationships, or just end this so we can go our separate ways. I really don’t want to end this though, because other than this issue, we have no significant problems! We’re great together, kind, loving, considerate, peaceful, and both so grateful for what we have together. We both give support to each other to be whatever the other wishes to be. We truly serve each other simply for the joy of giving to one another. Our relationship is such a blessing.
I know how destructive jealousy is, and I feel as if I’m constantly trying to run from this emotion. I just want it to go away, for the sake of our relationship, sex life, and more importantly myself. But for some reason I can’t get rid of this emotion. Can you give me any advice on how we can work this out? I just can’t let something as petty as jealousy get in the way of something so wonderful. HELP!!

Answer:
I am glad you wrote and I think this question and my answer could help numerous people, for this is a common problem that many people face.

As I said, this situation is very common between couples. Often, there are more factors added to this equation (that are not explained in a letter like the one you sent me). Therefore, it can be very beneficial to look into life coaching to peel back more of the onion and to begin some sort of practice to change some of the patterns that are being activated during these types of encounters. That being said, let me see what I can address relating to what you have told me through your letter.

First of all, I am glad to see that you see that you, and only you, can change how you feel and think about these encounters. That would be correct. But you are not going to change your feelings until you change how you think about it. You see, thoughts create our feelings. Change the thought and the feelings change. That is typical text book psychology, but easier said than done. You see, you are feeling these things that you mention because of how you are thinking about it. However, until some Self Awareness happens, you are not going to be able to change how you think about it.

The mind functions the way the mind functions; everyone’s mind functions in this same manner. The mind is in a constant power and control game. Your mind thinks that it doesn’t have any power or control over this situation and it is consistently trying to get it. The other thing that is happening is these events are keeping you from being in Oneness with yourself and your partner, and the eternal part of you is wanting you to move beyond these games and be in Oneness; hence, the constant struggles. It seems that Life has a way of showing us exactly where our ‘weaknesses’ lie, and is assisting us to move into a new way of being.

From my perspective, the new way of being is “Self Awareness.” Someone who is Self Aware sees the mind game and does not buy into it. Someone who is Self Aware sees what the mind is doing and saying, but does not engage with it. Someone who is Self Aware knows that they cannot control someone else’s behaviors, but also honors themselves totally, all at the same time. In laymen’s terms, they see what the other is doing, playing, being (whether it be consciously or unconsciously) and accepts that about them; meanwhile honoring themselves so completely that if it is really bothering them, changes the dynamic into one that honors everyone involved.

Jealousy is an emotion, a useless emotion because it ties into ownership, need, requirement, insufficiency, and power and control. It is not going to go away until Self Awareness neutralizes it. However, our feelings try to tell us things about ourselves and the world we live in constantly. Your feelings are trying to show you what you want or don’t want at any given point. You may think that you want something from your partner, but ultimately you are wanting something from yourself. You have to figure that out and then see if you can give that to you. Do not depend on your partner or anyone to ever give it to you, until you are able to give it to yourself.

Now, let’s address your partner for just a minute. Often we attempt to get our partner to behave in such a way that it leaves us with a sense of security. Good luck! That rarely happens. However, in a loving situation, a partner will recognize that the other party is desiring something and will do their best to deliver that (if they can). I do not know your partner, no more than I know you, but there are things that are going on inside of him that are also ushering him into Oneness with himself and you. If he is trying to get something out of these encounters that he thinks is absent inside of himself, he will continue to behave in this manner. Now, do not get me wrong. I am not saying that he is behaving badly, for that is a judgment on my part. But what I am saying is that he is behaving in a way that is also based in no Self Awareness. However, each person has to work on Self Awareness in their own time and in their own way; you will not be able to do it for him, no more than he could do it for you.

So, now let’s talk about this journey of Self Awareness. From my perspective, Self Awareness begins with meditation. Begin to meditate and see what your mind is doing and saying. The more that you see it for what it is, the less and less you will buy into what the mind is saying. However, do not meditate to try to stop the thinking, it is about letting the mind do what it wants and not engage with it. This is the beginning of your own liberation.

Another thing that could help the situation is open, honest, authentic communication. I see from your letter that there is dialogue happening between you and your partner; however, it most likely is not the type of dialogue that I am talking about. In most situations, very few people know how to have these types of conversations, and this is where life coaching could also help you out. This type of dialogue is about sharing, but sharing from a first-person perspective. “I feel _________, and I am wanting ________. I know that I cannot expect you to give it to me until I give it to myself, therefore I am going to do/be __________ to begin to give that to myself.” (There is more to this than what I have just shown, but it is a start.)

If your relationship is as strong as you are saying it is, it is worth going through this process, this journey. Even if the relationship is not up to par, you are worth what it takes to embrace Self Awareness. I cannot urge you enough to begin this walk. Good luck with it, and let me know if I could help you and/or your partner out with this process.

To everyone: If you are interested in submitting a question to “The Enlightened You,” you can find the form on our site. I will be happy to share my insight.

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