Dear Vedam,
I have 3 questions for you that I would like your input on. I would imagine that I am not the only one that deals with this, and would think that your insight would help many relating to these topics. Thank you.
1) How do you not have expectations of anyone?
2) How do you rid yourself of disappointment?
How do you remain full of trust based on 1 and 2 above?
Answer:
Your question is about how to not have expectations, and once you do, then how to rid yourself of the disappointment that follows if those expectations are not met, and finally, how do you still trust the person if you have an expectation of them and they disappoint you in the process. I think this is an issue for many; so let’s break it down…
Do you have any control over what the mind says, does or thinks? In case you do not know the answer to this, you do NOT have any control over what the mind is doing or saying to you. The mind will often have an expectation about something, because the mind is constantly wanting something or not wanting something. Isn’t that an expectation? For example, I want to get a lot of writing done today, but I still have other things to do also. Therefore, I have an expectation to get a lot done today, besides all of the writing that I want to accomplish. Time will tell what will happen as the day unfolds. I recognize the mind and its desires (expectations) about getting things done such as the writing and other tasks at hand. At the end of the day, those expectations may be met, and then again they may not. The mind is saying that if it does happen, then I will be happy. If it does not happen, the mind could either be sad or angry, possibly even fearful. Those thought forms are inevitable, but it is still up to me whether or not I go along for the ride with those expectations and the feelings that those thoughts will create. Not that I am going to be able to stop those feelings from viscerally being felt in my body, but I do have some say so on whether or not I choose to play along with them or not.
So here is the thing. Watch/observe the mind and its expectations. Like I said, the mind is going to constantly have expectations, so watch them as the mind creates them. Know that they (the expectations) are happening as they are happening. Also know that if you choose to buy into them as they are happening, you are setting yourself up. Sometimes you are setting yourself up to be happy and other times to be sad, angry or fearful. It is YOU that is setting YOU up. Here is where the danger lies: you are giving your power to something else. You are unconsciously saying that the desired outcome has the power to establish how you are going to be after the fact (if the desire gets met or not). That is not the way to live, even though many do it!
Now let’s say that the expectation was not met, and the disappointment follows. This is actually another set of thought forms that are creating the feelings of either sadness, anger or fear. It is a thought that has been previously decided by you because of the desired outcome. Again, it is YOU that is setting YOU up.
Now comes the issue of ‘trust.’ You had or have expectations relating to that person being able to accomplish whatever it is that you decided they ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do. This too is yet another set of thought forms that the mind has created, and you (once again) are playing along (buying into them).
So now I ask you, “Who is trusting, or who is not trusting?” The answer is the mind, and you are playing along with it!
Here are my suggestions. Recognize the expectation as it is happening. Observe (watch) the mind as it is creating the expectation, and everything that follows that. Decide then and there whether or not you are going to play along with this setup. If you choose to play along with this, then realize and own the fact that you are doing it to you, and accept the outcome. I do want you to know that deciding not to play along with the mind is not going to stop the mind and its antics. The mind will attempt to keep the expectation activated and alive, even if you decide not to play along. You are going to have to continue to watch (observe) the mind and its attempts to keep this expectation alive. The mind wants you to play along. If the mind thinks that you are not playing along, it can twist it around, or come from a different angle, again attempting to get you to play along. This process that the mind goes through is a natural one; one that you cannot stop; you just have to be aware of it. Continue to observe, continue to practice awareness throughout the WHOLE process. Continue to observe and practice awareness as the mind attempts to have its power and control games. Continue to observe and practice awareness around this trust issue. Continue to observe and practice awareness with the potential set-ups. This practice may be a new practice but it is a practice that you can begin as soon as you realize it is happening. Actually, it is a practice that I recommend to everyone. Let’s talk about the practice of observing the mind for just a minute.
I have said it before, and I will say it again. YOU ARE NOT THE MIND, and since you are not the mind, you have the ability to observe the mind and all of the happenings that are taking place inside the mind. You can observe the thoughts, the thought forms. You can observe how a collection of thoughts create our belief systems. You can observe the thoughts and the feelings that those thoughts create inside the body. However, trying to begin to observe when you are already triggered makes the process much harder. This is why I highly recommend beginning the practice of observing the mind as you go about your day. Once the observation has become a habit, it is much easier to observe the mind when it does become triggered. In the beginning of this practice, I put reminder notes all over my house and car; notes that reminded me to observe. I watched myself get ready in the morning, and the thoughts that arose during the process. I watched myself drive to work, and the thoughts that arose during that process. I watched myself go about my day, and the thoughts throughout the day. I did not try to analyze them, I just watched them. I watched them as they attempted to get me to engage. I watched them in their randomness. I watched them as they attempted to make something serious. I watched and I watched. And, this was not a practice that I mastered and then stopped, I still continue to watch the mind! I watched even when they appeared to be ‘logical’ or ‘illogical.’ I watch patterns unfold. I watched the power and control game. I watched expectations that were already formed, and I watched as expectations were about to form. I watched the feelings that the thoughts created. I did not attempt to do anything with them other than watch them. Through my observation, I also realized that when it came time to actually use the mind for a task at hand, it (the mind) was able to be used more efficiently. So, just in case you have missed something; watching the mind is very supportive.
I truly hope this helps, but now it is up to you to begin to put this into practice. Liberate yourself through the process of observation. When you begin to observe the mind, you begin to liberate yourself from the thought that you are the mind. Liberate yourself by seeing the mind and its antics. Liberate yourself by picking and choosing the thought forms with which you are going to participate. Liberate yourself by not believing everything you think. Liberate yourself from the setup of expectations. Liberate yourself by truly understanding and seeing that you are not the mind.
Much love and Namaste…
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